why i'm moving on

i started this blog about five years ago; back before i knew anything about blogs and when i thought i would be the only one to ever see it. this blog, like me, has been through many changes. it has grown and evolved and has been a big part of me. my life has been richer, fuller, since joining the blog world. i have met and befriended so many wonderful, beautiful people from all over the world.

however, the time has come for me to let go and start over. i will cherish this little corner of the internet as a place where i have learned and expressed so much. but it is time for me to move on and begin a new journey. "rejoicing in the hands" (one known as "hope is the thing with feathers") will always be here, but friends - if you so wish, i would love for you to come with me while i begin something new.

i am thankful for you all.

love,

kalie

p.s. a link to my new home will be coming shortly!

this.

yes.









happy friday, friends near and far.

thought to take with you: "a thing of beauty is a joy forever." - john keats.

make a beautiful memory; a project, adventure, rest and peace, quality time with a loved one. the beautiful moments that sprinkle our lives create a joy that never ceases. we can remember them always with fondness.

why this year might be different

i have been sitting here for about twenty-five minutes, not really knowing where and how to begin. last night, my head was reeling with ideas. i felt so inspired. and while still inspired, i am a little overwhelmed. and that is why i am in the middle of a crowded coffee shop with the leftover crumbs of a bagel all over my lap, staring at a blank screen.

folks, the year two-thousand-thirteen is upon us. i know this is the time when most people tend to reflect on the past year, rating is as a whole, making resolutions and goals and promises and hopes for the next. it is cliche, and yet kind of magical. we don't get restart buttons in life, but there is an understanding amongst humans that, you know, life is kind of hard and complicated sometimes, as well as good, but hard. and if the start of a new year is what it takes to get people contemplative and gracious and motivated and impassioned, then by golly i love it.

last night, i went out. for a little bit. with a few friends. we dressed up and went to a pub and ate food and drank some cider and talked. and then i went home at ten o'clock to my cats because i was really really tired, and fell asleep on the couch at eleven. but that is not the point. what i am trying to say is this: it was a really nice evening. at dinner, we talked about our hopes and goals for the new year.  one person at the table posed a really interesting question: what do we hope for the new year - new experiences or learning new things?

well, can i want both? i don't think they are mutually exclusive, but it is an interesting way to look at life: how much do i value new experiences? what about knowledge? what do i want to do, or what do i want to learn? and then that makes me think about all the things i have yet to experience, and all the things i don't know. one year will not cover it all - a lifetime could not cover it all - but how motivating is that!? 

thinking back to the beginning of two-thousand-twelve, it seems really long ago. i mean, it went by quickly and all, but also not. it wasn't just one year ago, but years and years and miles and worlds away. i am not all together different, but yet completely different. i had high hopes, but also i was pretty hopeless. maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else, but if you have ever felt that way, then you know what i mean. it does make sense, in a way. because that's just how it is. i have never talked about this on my blog, or much in any public way at all, but for the past couple years i have been dealing with some heavy depression. i don't really know where it came from; it was like a snowy blanket that drifted down little by little and quietly settled all around me. this past year has been a discovery year. it was a learning year. but all that learning has been an experience, too.  it wasn't what i imagined for myself, and it was certainly unexpected. but that, i think, is how a lot of things happen, so i should just get used to that. i already kind of am. used to it, i mean.

a friend asked me last night what my biggest hope for the new year is. i told her that my biggest hope is for peace. i would really like to rest in some peace, this year. i battled everything last year. i battled my beliefs, my faith, my relationships, my sense of self. i battled my sickness. i battled getting well. i battled truth. i don't want to battle anymore. not those things. i will fight for goodness and truth and love. but everything else i really need to let go. i need some peace. that is my hope. that is my goal. it is what i want to experience and learn. it is what i want to savour.

at the beginning of this new year, i don't feel hopeless. i may have some lingering doubts, but i am not giving into them. i have hopes for lots of new learning. and lots and lots of new experiences. i want adventure. i want quiet. i want to rest in the peace and love only my sweet jesus can give. i want to pour out unto others that peace and love. i don't want to let wonderous opportunities slip away. i don't want to let myself slip away.

so here's to a new year. happy new year, friends.

" so many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. the very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." - christopher mccandless

why my head was in a wendy's parking lot this morning.

i tend to be a sentimental person, generally. also, a daydreamer. those tendencies combined sometimes force me to exert a great amount of effort to stay focused on one particular thing or thought for a very long time. so if i don't, then my train of thinking will lead me to far away places in space and time and then i am left remembering, reminiscing, or dwelling over something - real or imagined - that is very obscurely, if even, related to my present.

this morning, my thought train dropped me off at the year 2007 in a wendy's parking lot.

with me were my two best friends, kelly and sam. we had dubbed ourselves the 'tres twigs' for really weird and wonderful reasons, and we loved each other so much (we still do). it was, obviously, one of our girls' nights. sitting in the car of the wendy's, we stuffed our faces with french fries, blasting 'irreplaceable' and talking about boys - stupid stupid boys boys boys. and, i am sure, other intellectual things.

because the thing is, one or more of us (i don't remember which) had been hurt or angered by some boy (i don't remember who) and it doesn't even matter now which one of us it was because if one of us was hurt or sad or angry, then we were ALL hurt or sad or angry. that's just how it was. and clearly, the remedy called for food, beyonce, and girl time. i think it's safe to say that that is always a good go-to remedy, amiright.  and now, all i remember from that night was how much fun it really was. how good for our hearts it was. how precious our time together was. how fabulous beyonce is all the time.

it's funny, because i don't know why that memory occurred to me this morning. while working. with a toddler. at the zoo. why this thought should come into my brain makes no sense. but it did all the same, and isn't it always nice to remember good things?

but it got me thinking about more (see? thought train. all-aboard, twenty-four seven). and the thought is this: sometimes the really really simple and sweet things that i knew as a kid were not too far of a stretch from the truth and goodness i still need in my life. as i get older - and i expect this is true for others as well, but for the sake of this post i will just speak as it pertains to myself - i complicate everything and bury things deeper just so i have to dig them out again, therefore feeling like i have done more work to get the end result. does that make sense?

i'll put it this way. maybe, in those moments when i am hurting or grieving or fuming or even just lonely, what i need is a wendy's parking lot with people who love me. you know, figuratively. or, you know what actually, literally. but the point is that maybe i don't need to feel so lost sometimes. maybe there's a part of me - of us all - that isn't easily labeled child or adult. maybe that's not how things are meant to be. i think that we are supposed to learn a lot of things, like how to be responsible, and how to spend money wisely, and how to get an oil change within an appropriate amount of time, and how to handle conflict, and how to treat other people well, and how to love and live generously and kindly, and how to grocery shop for meals not in the freezer section of the store, and other stuff like that. that is the hope for us, anyway. but maybe, just maybe, there is a part of us that is in a middle place, or perhaps it isn't the middle of anything at all but rather above all of life's concerns and rules and expectations and lies. and in that place is an inherent truth and wonder that is apart of us, that is simple yet profound. we don't need to add complexity to an already complex and confusing world.

golden. didn't think i was going to find this, but i am pretty much totally positive this was from that night. 

kelly, me, sam. tres twigs forever. 

what it is like to be a real life wallflower

this post is about two stories. mine, and a book.

if you haven't read the book, you have at least maybe probably heard its name before: "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. it was a teen anthem in novel form in the nineties - you know, when young adult fiction was still respectable. recently it was adapted into a movie, both screenplay and direction in the hands of mr. chbosky himself. it was done beautifully. if you have not had the privilege of being exposed to one or both forms of this same story, then i suggest it wholeheartedly.

i think everyone who reads the book is able to take away something personal to them and their own story. i felt like i could identify with charlie, the protagonist, in many ways.

he, if you haven't gathered already, is the wallflower the title is referring to. a high school freshman, charlie is nervous, reserved, friendless, and has a past of emotional instability. just as the story is reminding me how much of a hellhole high school really is, things begin looking up for charlie when he meets new friends - senior friends - who take charlie under their wings and introduce him to all the new experiences adolescent life has to offer.

although charlie opens up and little by little overcomes his shyness, he is still the ever observant and internalizing being that i know all too well.

there is this conversation that takes place in the book between charlie and his favorite teacher:
"Do you always think this much, Charlie?" 
"Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
"Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."
"Is that bad?"
"Yes."

that is absolutely, perfectly, unquestionably me. i have stated before that i am the very definition of an introverted person. for the longest time of my life the first and only observation others made upon meeting me was that i was a quiet girl. and well, that is pretty accurate, mostly. unless i am around one of the handful of individuals that have been patient long enough to know the real me, i am very reserved. especially if i am in a group of people, and even more so if those people are strangers. you may very well forget i am even there. i am pretty sure i have improved in my age. any shyness seen in me now was that times forty when i was younger. and, well, i'm friendly and all. i know how to make decent small talk, and be nice and everything. but, just for example's sake, my senior year of high school i was voted in as "most shy." it's not really necessary, i don't think, to explain how horrific that it was for that category to even exist, and how mortifying it was to be voted for it.

my shyness was rivaled only by my awkward appearance/sense of style

grade 11, circa 2005 - emo eyeliner/black hair combo ftw!

but here's the thing: sometimes it's hard for me to recognize that i am not really engaging. let me explain what i mean. i can be in a group setting with people who i am enjoying very much. i will listen to all the things they say, all the jokes made. i will smile and/or laugh at all the appropriate times - and not because i should, but because i really am smiling and/or laughing at the funny and/or lovely things being said. i feel really engaged, you know? i am immersed in the moment. but what i sometimes forget in the moment is this: just because i feel connected to others does not mean that they feel connected to me, too. they cannot read my thoughts and know i am fully there in mind and spirit as well as body. and, well, i also do something else. i will listen to multiple conversations at a time. since technically i am not in a conversation, i will often focus on two or three. not in a creepy, eavesdropping way. they are right there, aloud for all to hear. but i will listen to these interactions, and i will watch the people having them. i can see when someone feels uncomfortable, or tired. i can see when someone feels uncertain, or insecure. i can see when someone has a lot of things on his or her mind. i can see when someone is being sincere. it's the way their faces make expressions, especially their eyes, or little movements of their mouths. it's the way they move themselves, the way they hold their arms and such. and so, i can walk away from an event and feel like i experienced so many things, and as others see me go they wonder if i had any fun. i know they wonder this, because i am often asked it. 

college freshman, circa 2007 - age 19; just, you know, sitting in a chair in the pool by myself.

college sophomore, circa 2008 - age 20 

there is a line in the book, spoken by charlie's friend, patrick: "He's a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.”

in my lifetime of standing by the wayside, i have noticed a few things about people and life in general. and those things are like this:

-people who are upset about something usually don't want input or opinions from other people. they mostly just want someone to listen. unless they specifically ask otherwise. 

-if you smile enough at a seemingly grumpy person and are nice enough, then they often loosen up. sometimes not, but it's always worth a try. 

-if someone is sitting by themselves at a party or event, it's not because they want to be alone. if they wanted to be alone, they wouldn't be there at all. saying hi to them, and maybe sitting with them will almost assuredly make them feel really good.

-remembering names is not a difficult thing to do. people are always saying "i am so bad at remembering names." well, everyone says that. but i don't think that is really a thing, unless you are a person who has actual memory problems in your brain. i have a secret to share: if you tell yourself and the new person you meet that you will remember their name, you will. saying that you are bad at names is an excuse to forget. use that persons name a few times in conversation. it just works. but you have to choose to make it work. sometimes you will still forget, or accidently get it wrong. but it happens far less. 

-everybody holds the immense power of making another person feel stupid or judged. being silly and playful and slightly sarcastic, in the appropriate degree and context, are fine things to be. but it's really easy to push someone too far. also, attitude and tone of voice can be dangerous weapons when not observed carefully. i have seen so many people ask questions or answer questions wrong, and then made out to be stupid for asking/answering wrong. why do people do this? i don't know. it doesn't make anyone feel good. 

-often, people don't try very hard to makes outsiders feel included. it's common for people to be nice initially, but have absolutely no follow through. and as long as a person feels comfortable and has companionship, there is very little motivation to reach out to new people. i don't understand this, either. 

there is more, i am sure. i have been observing for a long, long time.

anywho, i don't really know if i had just one point or lots of points to share today. but maybe you should read the book. it's a really good book.

24th birthday, may 5, 2012 - pike place market

***

more quotes from the book i like a lot:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

“It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.” 

“I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people 'participate.'”

“I just want you to know that you’re very special… and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.” 

“You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.”

“It's strange to describe reading a book as a really great experience, but that's kind of how it felt.”